|WHEN was the last
time your media ever told you the truth about sexual sin? No one on TV pays the price of
illicit sex. No one in the movies gets herpes or AIDS when they jump into bed with their
fun current partner of the moment. Nobody that sings the songs connects their "I want
your sex" life-style with the constant pain, crazy rages and suicide. No one on video
gets hurt, blown apart at heart or devastated when they casually throw away their future
with their virginity. MTV plugs sexual songs, cultivates sexual situations, pushes you
into "safe sex". Then it offers the almighty cure: use a condom. True lies.
"Sex cures loneliness. Sex makes you feel good about yourself. Sex makes you happy.
Sex is like a box of chocolates." Excuse me?
the movies everybody is pretty, everybody looks good, everybody has great sex with
anybody, anytime with no consequence. Pretty Women marry millionaires. (There's no
sequel, because the marriage only lasts as long as the credits.) On screen, the famous
"sexually active" athlete always gets the girl and he lives happily ever after.
In real life he gets AIDS or goes to jail for rape or murder.
Only once in a long while will a man's single casual
"Fatal Attraction" threaten his future peace of mind, his job, his home,
the life of his whole family. Only once in a blue moon will you ever see what a "Kramer
vs. Kramer" divorce does to a child and to both parents. Only now and then will a
man from a people who "Once Were Warriors" learn that violence and
immorality in a family lead to destruction and death.
Such rare exceptions to the rule of fantasy always hit a
nerve. Somewhere deep in our souls we know what God says is true: "Flee
fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth
fornication sinneth against his own body." (I Cor. 6:18-19) And judgment comes
like Jason, when kids out only for a little illicit sex-play run into something wholly
unexpected, terrifyingly impassive and invariably fatal. "The soul that sinneth,
it shall die." (Ezek. 18:4)
Sleep with someone and you sleep with everyone they've
slept with. Give yourself to someone sexually and you give away part of your soul that
you will never get back.
Sex is never just sex. God says sexual sin is like nothing
else in the book. It can hurt you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It
can screw up your life in ways you would never have dreamed. Blow it here and you blow it
big-time. "If we persist in sexual sin with the thought that one day we will get
right with God, we should remind ourselves that God may still be there to forgive and
but we may not be." You cannot compensate by sacrifice what
you lose through disobedience. (Ed Cole)
SEVEN REASONS TO SAVE SEX FOR MARRIAGE:
Over a million teenage girls get pregnant every year. Free
love isn't free. Each baby born to a teen outside of marriage demands more than $100,000
in government welfare. The cost of teenage child-bearing in the US alone in a single year
is over 16.5 BILLION dollars! But the cost is much higher than that. What price do you put
on a hurt heart? How much is a mind worth without peace? Who counts the cost of a
shattered and shamed self, a lost trust, ruined respect or a broken dream? What does it
really cost to bring an unwanted baby into the world, or even worse to take its little
life because it interferes with someone's personal pursuit of pleasure? Free sex is never
free. Someone always pays. Promiscuity has an awful price. "You are not your
own."(I Cor. 6:19)
Twenty years ago there were two sexually transmitted
diseases. Now there are twenty-nine. Every nine months they find a new one. Twelve million
people contract a sexual disease every year in the US alone; 33,000 a day. Some, like
AIDS, will kill you in just a couple of years. Some will just make you wish you
were dead. Some will hurt your children.
"If you were the Devil" said one AIDS researcher
"You couldn't conceive of a disease more disruptive and disturbing than one sexually
transmitted that kills within a short period and for which there is no treatment."
There is only one way to be sure you don't get a crippler or killer disease through sex
but no one wants to say it:
Marry a virgin as a virgin yourself and both of you
live with the same love all your life.
That's God's plan. If you take a long look at the ugly
alternatives, it looks like He knows what He's talking about. (Prov. 5:15-20)
True sexual freedom doesn't just mean "never having
to say you are sorry". It never means the ability to sleep with anyone as
often as you like. You can't love someone you fear. Real sexual freedom means to be
able to love without walls, without caution, without cares; to be able to trust the one
you love without reservation and without hesitation. All this is possible in
marriageand only in marriage. (Prov. 27:21-27)
She did it because he said he "loved" her. He
pushed her into it because he wanted to prove he was a real man. Her friends said it was
all right as long as she really loved him. His friends told him everybody else had and
what was he waiting for? Everybody said even if it doesn't work out it won't matter. And
they were utterly wrong.
Sex is never casual. Sex is God's gift, and nothing God
ever gives is casual. Because sex itself is so deep, sexual hurt is never shallow. What
you do and what you learn in sex builds a pattern, burns a memory that will last you for
life. Short of the healing hand of Jesus, scars from sexual sin never go away. Each
time you link your body and your soul to someone else, the re-runs start of everything you
have done before with anyone else. That is why "try before you buy" is such a
stupid idea when it comes to sex. In the trying is the buying. You cannot just learn sex
casually from someone and then divorce it from someone else you want to really care about
in the future. Every hurt, every disappointment, every rejection carries over to the next
time. You can't avoid the re-runs.
What's so wrong with giving in before marriage? What
difference does a piece of paper make? If you love someone enough to get engaged, what
harm can it be to get in a little early? How else will you know that you are compatible?
If you love someone, why wait?
"Not all of passion is love and not all of love is
passion". (Ed Cole).
One thing is sure; the very best way to hurt a growing
friendship is to violate the rules that set up your trust. Over half of all engagements
break up. Many shatter precisely because the couple thought early sex wouldn't make
that much difference. A broken engagement without sexual involvement means some pain and
sadness, but rarely loss of friendship and certainly no sense of sin. The guilt, anger,
mutual loss of respect and embarrassment that go with broken engagements triggered by
premarital sex is pain few want to live with.
Think of God's love-laws as a shelter within which you
will share together the best friendship, the best spiritual life and the best sex
possible. He has reserved sex for one place and one place alone; marriage. Only in
marriage can you build a home for real trust and total openness to each other. Only in
marriage can you create the kind of life-long commitment you give to each other, "in
sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part." Only in marriage
can you be totally open and vulnerable to someone else knowing they will never leave you,
laugh at you or let you down. The reward of the trustworthy is more trust. Living
together outside of marriage is a commitment not to make a commitment. Staying on your
best behavior you never really take off your mask. You never get real before each other
The fence of no sex before marriage is a key test of
trust. Keep your gate locked from all others and from each other until God gives you the
key in your public, sacred vows. But jump that fence early, and you violate that trust.
You will never be sure from that time on if you can trust either your partner or yourself.
You will always live with the secret question: If we jumped the fence once and broke
the rules, who says it won't happen again? If we couldn't trust ourselves to hold back
before marriage, how can we ever be sure it can't happen to either of us after marriage? And
that fear hurts love. (I Jn. 4:18)
Every sexual act is a giving away of yourself. Do
it with a dozen and you tear away twelve parts of your secret inner self that you will never
get back. Why do you think so many people with multiple sexual partners feel so empty and
disappointed that they move on to someone else? What you are looking for is MORE. God
designed sex to be an investment in each others' lives forever. To love someone is to work
for their highest good. Sex in loving marriage builds long-term wholeness. Sex in marriage
is God's way of making two people "one".(Gen. 4:1) The Bible word for sexual
intimacy is to "know" another: to be close and share on the most deep and
lasting level a man and woman can experience. (Eph. 5:20-32) You can love and be loved
forever! But every sexual act with a stranger strains or shatters the bond you build with
the one you want as the love of your life. The ghosts come back to get you. (Prov.
Sexual sin addicts. Sex, divorced from commitment and
care, carries its own in-built emotional black hole. Addictions form when you try to
derive lasting pleasure from something that cannot in its very nature satisfy. Sex
outside of God's loving laws can never fully satisfy. Go the wrong way on this from the
start, and you will find that sex can hook you worse than any drug, and with as dangerous
consequences as any chemical. (Eph. 5:3-9)
Sexual addiction doesn't have to involve someone else. You
can become sexually addicted by masturbation, visual or audio pornography. Sexual sin is
not always fornication or sex with an unmarried person. (I Cor.. 6:18) Sexual sin
can be adultery (sex with someone married and not to you) (Matt 5:7-8) sodomy
or lesbianism (sex with someone of the same sex) (Lev. 18:22, Rom 1:24-32) and any
form of near-sex that allows anything except actual intercourse. (Rom 13:13-14)
The Bible says: "Know ye not that ye are the temple
of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God,
him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are."
(1 Cor. 3:16) A temple is a place filled with God, where you walk with care. You don't go
casually where you clearly don't belong.
Deep in the core of your life Jesus dwells. Far below the
stream of words, ideas, fears, worries and imaginations, He lives in you. You can
learn to dive down through the clutter of the crowd in the outer court of the surface of
your life and commune with the Living God. Learn to pull out from the crowd. Anywhere, at
any time, you can go where God is. Learn to wait on Him in the stillness and hear His
voice. Let God show you what He sees when He calls sexual wrong sin. We only really
learn by revelation or results.
Get it straight: those who aren't right or real with God
won't run or rule with Him. Scripture says "Don't be fooled: no one who is immoral,
an idol-worshipper, adulterer, sissified or a sodomite will share in His Kingdom.
Thieves, drunks, greedy people or those who so hate others they put them down or rip them
off won't make it." (1 Cor. 6:9)
Sex is so powerful and fundamental in life that misused it
becomes wholly devastating. Nothing hurts as much as the guilt, pain and addiction of
immorality. Only Christ can heal the scars it makes and marks on life.
As with drugs, the worst part of the hook is never
physical. What really hurts is what it does to your mind and feelings. The Bible word
"concupiscence" means to be so turned on you cannot turn off. (I Thess.
4:3-8) Sex in violation of God's law shuts the door to Heaven and opens the gates of Hell.
Get hooked on sex and only God's mercy can get you free and healed. If you don't want to
get hooked, stay away from hookers. (Prov. 5:1-23)
You know what you are looking for. You think you know
where to look for what you need. Not to be lonely anymore. Not to feel left out,
unwanted, unloved. To belong to someone wonderful. To be safe. To be cared for forever.
Maybe even marriage. But when so many marriages crash and burn all around you, you need to
do it right the first time.
Does sex outside of God's laws for love lead to closeness,
care and commitment? Quick answer: No way. Almost without exception,
pre-marital sex ruins friendships and puts the lid on any chance of long-term love.
Promises flow freely in the heat of the moment, but in the cold light of the morning
after, caresses often turn into contempt. "If you love me, you'll prove it,"
puts pressure on you to perform or be rejected. The right response to such glandular fever
is this: "If you really love me, you won't ask me to." A single night of
compromise isn't worth a lifetime of regret. Making love doesn't make him love you.
The test of true love isn't sex but trust. "If
you love someone, you will always be loyal to them no matter what the cost. You will
always believe in them, always expect the best of them and always stand your ground in
defending them." (I Cor. 13:4-7 Living Bible)
Sex outside of marriage invariably leads to some kind of
hurt, and hurt over sex sets a pattern for any future partner. Breaking up is hard to
do. Do it often in dating and you set a precedent for your future. The pattern of
dating and discarding carried into marriage is called divorce. So you hate what happens in
a divorce? So does God. (Mal. 2:15-16)
Do you want your life to be different?
Listen carefully: You can have a marriage that lasts.
You can have a family that doesn't break up. You can stay married to one person and love
them for as long as you both live. Learn from those who failed. Then don't do what they
did. STAY CLEAN. Save yourself for the special someone God can bring along at the right
time. You are worth the wait.
Give yourself to somebody who isn't the right person and
you can't get back what you lose. As one guy put it: "It's like giving someone a
million dollars and later finding out you gave it to the wrong person. Now they're gone
and so is your money. Gone for good. You don't have it anymore. And the person who should
have had it will never get it."
There's only one first time. Let it be with the one
you'll spend the rest of your life discovering together.
A WORD FOR THE SINGLE
Its O.K. to be single. To choose not to marry because
your calling, vocation or life-style points in a different direction, or because you just
haven't found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is not weird. Some of
God's greatest are men and women who lived without marriage. It is the choice of many
today. Some had many friends, close to them for a life-time. Yet for one reason or other,
they decided to live single.
To be single and to have the grace to live single without
sexual involvement is a gift God can give to those few who make the choice to share their
deepest and most intimate love with God alone. (Matt. 9:12; Luke 18:29) Christian singles
can feel lonely at times, but are never alone. They learn Jesus is the true source of all
love and friendship, and free up their time to pay undivided attention to a world without
His love. (Isa. 56:3-5) There are places singles can go that are out of range for those
with the responsibility of a family. In difficult or dangerous times or situations, a
single can do things and dare things that would put someone married in unnecessary risk.
At the edge of the end of time, many will choose to remain unmarried for the Kingdom's
sake. As Paul the single who became the greatest figure in the early church other than the
disciples put it:
"I wish everyone could get along without marrying,
just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of a husband or wife,
and others he gives the gift of being able to stay happily unmarried. So I say to those
who aren't married and to widows better to stay unmarried if you can, just as I am.
But if you can't control yourselves, go ahead and marry. It is better to marry than to
burn." (1 Cor. 7:7-9)
"Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in
life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay
down in all the churches. ...Keeping God's commands is what counts. Each one should remain
in the situation which he was in when God called him." (1 Cor. 7:17-20 - The Living
HOW TO GET CLEAN
"Flee forbidden longings, those lusts that lure
you when you are young. Press instead into what is real and right in character: conviction
and faithfulness, unselfish affection. Rest content in Him with those who also call on the
Lord's help for a clean heart." (2 Tim 2:22)
You may have already deeply, terribly blown it. You may
have failed in this area and hurt God, yourself and only God knows how many other people.
But Jesus can do what no one else can do. He can heal you in levels no one else can see or
understand. He can make a girl who has given away her sexual purity clean again, inside
and out. He can give a guy back his manhood and dignity, and give him power to be a
promise-keeper. He can restore what is eaten away and give you courage to face the world
with a new set of eyes. But you must do things His way now and not turn back to what hurt
The steps you take to being clean in Jesus' sight are the
same basic steps you take to become a real child of God. Confession. Repentance.
Forgiveness. Trust. Cleansing. See the appendix "How To Become God's Child"
for these steps.
Three extra things will help when you are being healed by
Jesus from sexual sin.
(1) Expect miracles not magic. God's
forgiveness is real and immediate; true healing may take time. You can be cured at once;
recovery from the damage may take time. Don't be discouraged if it does. You may have many
battles, but with Him you will win the war. Trust Him. Rest in the real and ongoing grace
of Christ. When David sinned sexually in Scripture he hurt more than himself. The things
he did had consequences, and forgiveness does not always stop consequences. (2 Sam.
Sin hurts . Do wrong and you almost always affect
others (even unborn generations) even though you stop it and even after you repent and get
right. Live with it. Expect God to show you what you need to be fully free, no matter what
it takes. The big miracle is always this: God loves and really forgives. Jesus
died, stripped bare and humiliated and cut off from friendships and family for our sake.
When He rose from the dead, He rose clothed forever with light and power and majesty to
make us friends with God and put us in His own forever family. You are made fully whole.
You become not just a forgiven sinner, but a new creation in Christ. (2 Cor. 5:17)
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to
cleanse us from all unrighteousness." ( I John 1:9)
(2) God is faithful. Your cleansing is not by your
own devotion or your own determination. Power over sin comes from a fresh revelation of
Christ at your own point of humble (even desperate) need. Victory over sin never comes by
self-effort or self-discipline. You commit your life to Jesus; He commits His life to you.
He can keep you for the long haul. Hang your life and your love on His mercy. And
remember: You may have times of struggles, doubts and tears, but Jesus never changes. His
love and commitment to you is not based on your final faithfulness to Him, but on His own
unchanging character. God references all His actions to His own lovely value. When you
finally hit bottom, Jesus is already there. "If we believe not, yet He is
faithful; He cannot deny Himself." (2 Tim. 2:13)
(3) Enlist a friend. In the time of His greatest
test and temptation, Jesus asked His closest disciples to be with Him in the garden to
pray. He Himself was God. His Father was God. He had God the Holy Spirit's power without
measure in His life as a man. What did He need friends for? Learn the lesson: even
Jesus was not ashamed to ask for friends to be near when He most needed to be strong. If
you have a close friend who knows you well enough to pray for you when you face a big
battle, he is a friend indeed. (Ecc. 4:9-10).